Losing Scarlet

Eastern philosophy tells of red threads that link the destinies of souls through time and space, beyond lifetimes, forever connected. When you find your threads you feel more complete than you thought possible. Red threads define what the term “soul-mate” truly means. More than a lover or partner, they are two souls meant to be connected in life, never truly whole without the other.

Finding your thread is a gift and treasure, but mostly it is the highest form of love we will ever know.

Losing your thread is a grief beyond belief. Only the knowledge that your thread is eternal keeps you from unwinding completely. The burden is left to the living, because they know they will not find that thread again in this lifetime. They are left yearning for the stars, reaching from earth for a soul that spurs star dust while it waits to tie again with a thread stuck in life.

Yesterday I lost a thread in the form of my rescue pitt named Scarlet. Yes, threads transcend species. Wherever there is love, there are souls destined together.

I’m not sure I realized the connection between Scarlet and me right away, but she did. Cliched as it may sound, from the moment she entered my house, she cleaved to my side. Here was this big strong dog who lost most of her teeth. The fosters thought it was because she gnawed on the metal bars of her crate in her previous life of bearing litters and likely, fighting other dogs. Nonetheless, she was strong as an ox, and she showed me a tenderness that seemed impossible beneath her scarred muscular body. In her I saw something of myself, a kindred recognition of one mother to another. Like me, she was done having children, her body coming away from the experience a little less fierce, a little less perfect.

In Scarlet’s case it was more than meeting her next phase in life after motherhood, it was sheer force of will to persevere. I know that Scarlet entered my life after a difficult half of her own. I wonder if she had any moments of love in her youth, or perhaps found some comfort in her pups, however long they were with her. Once her breeding days were over, she was likely discarded on the street. An object past its prime, no longer profitable. When Scarlet was finally rescued, she was not big and not strong. She was literally skin and bone, her body temperature so low it couldn't even be read on a thermometer. It must have been pure hell surviving without a dog’s main form of defense—its teeth and claws.

Thanks to the kindness and care of her rescue group, Mutts in a Rut, and her amazing foster Mom, Scarlet healed. She regained the strength I saw in her when she was adopted. A part of me has always known, though, that this ordeal would take a lasting toll on her. You don't claw your way out of death’s grip without feeling the permanent bruise of His fingers. In spring of 2019, at the time of her adoption, Scarlet was estimated to be around 5 years old. They were a hard 5 years.

The average life span of a pitt mix is around 12–15 years. Scarlet only made it to 9 or 10 years. Cancer, most likely a tumor on her heart, reared its fangs suddenly and with deadly purpose. One day she started coughing, and a week later she had to fight to breathe.

My family was blessed to share 4 years with Scarlet. Scarlet, we often joked, needed her emotional support humans as much as we needed her. She was my girl, but she had a strong connection with my oldest son as well. The three of us share those threads together. Her love and steadfast presence were a beacon, a lighthouse against the dark heavy cloud of depression threatening to smash our souls against the rocks.

Anyone who has ever loved a dog knows the power of their unconditional loyalty. Four years, she taught us how to hang on. Four years of her proving we deserve love and happiness, patience and forgiveness. Four years, and not nearly long enough.

A love that strong can be overwhelming, even frightening. Sometimes I pushed her away in a vain attempt to create space between our bond. I lashed out in frustration in stupid ways, telling her to leave me alone, “go lay DOWN, Scarlet”. It was a pointless thing that only left me hurting. Never Scarlet. Her forgiveness was as immediate as her love for me. She was smarter than me, the human trying in vain to protect herself during those low moments we all feel. I knew how much I loved her and that one day she would leave me.

The death of a human loved one is profoundly painful. But there is a unique pain in the loss of a pet when you are forced to decide between fighting an unknown battle for their survival, or avoiding the pain and suffering entirely. I couldn't ask Scarlet to choose. But I knew. I knew when I denied the way she sat staring at me, willing me to see it in her eyes. I knew when she tried to lay her head on my feet at night and I became so angry with her, shoving her over to the other side. I knew when she looked at me across the yard, standing in the sun just a little longer after I called her. And then barely climbing the 3 stairs back into the house. I knew, and I denied it. Fought it viciously. Finally, accepted it.

Scarlet was patient; she let me lash out in anger. She gave me that time, though she suffered while doing it. I will never forget that. I will never forget the depth of her love for me that last week.

Saying goodbye was horrible. There was no comfort for us, though Scarlet did her best for Sam and me. We are the ones left knotted to the ground while Scarly girl is weaving across the universe waiting for us. ‘Scarlet’ is more than a name now; it’s the pure color of her soul as it journeys.

At the very end, I owed it to Scarlet to stay by her side. I would not let her face that door alone. I told her how much I loved her, not to worry about us, that we would see her again. And for now, she should fly free. After her heart stopped I sobbed in a sorrow more profound than any I have ever experienced. Only those who love someone deeply and witness their passing, hold their hand or stroke their fur at their last breath, can comprehend it.

This grief compels me to share my sorrow in words. If I don’t describe it, if I don’t begin the very long, very difficult process of letting it go, I worry that I will lose the best of Scarlet. Even though our time together was short, her bond to me, with all of its lessons on love, is as great and strong as any that will last my lifetime.

I won’t make the mistake of taking Scarlet’s love for granted. And Scarly girl, I promise you that if things look tough, if I don’t know how I will reach the shore without your beacon, I will look into my heart for the end of your thread. I’ll find it there, long and beautiful and flowing to the sky. I’ll wrap the end, ever so slightly, around my pain. There I know I will find your light.

There I know it will shine forever.